This story has taken a lot longer to start writing than the other kids’ birth stories because it has been an emotional ride and just so many more unpredictable parts. Harry was born with a few birth anomalies, but this story starts during the prenatal stage to include some important details leading up to his birth. Some of these details may be a bit blurred, but this recount is to the best of my knowledge.

We found out we were pregnant in February of 2023, nearly two years after our pregnancy loss. It was and is a miracle to this day. I was so excited to be a mom of three and see my two big kids be the best older siblings. We went around the 8 week mark for our first ultrasound. After experiencing a loss, it is so different. Fear and anxiety surrounded me, but as the tech found his heartbeat, it was one of the best days. We went home and could rest a bit knowing our baby was okay.

Throughout the pregnancy, I had the usual symptoms and we decided to do the NIPT genetic testing since I was of advanced maternal age. It all came back low risk and we found out we were having another baby boy at 10 weeks. Our backyard was filled with blue confetti!

The next time we really learned anything new was at our 20 week anatomy ultrasound. The kids came with us, but they couldn’t really tell what any of the pictures were. I was just happy they got to experience this with us. They were asking funny questions and the tech asked me to quit laughing so she could get images. It was at this appointment, we were told we have a single umbilical artery. They told us it wasn’t a big deal, they would just watch closer. In some cases, babies have growth issues and the more research I did, it was a rabbit hole and I would just let time tell us more. They also couldn’t get measurements on his legs and heart and told us to come back for another ultrasound around 24 weeks. The doctor told us this is common to not see everything. You can imagine now how the next four weeks went. We tried to think positively, but my mind went to the worst and I kept thinking something was wrong with his heart. I was trying so hard to live in the moment and enjoy this pregnancy, but I couldn’t even enjoy shopping for baby clothes without crying. And this was even before anything was confirmed wrong.

At our 24 week ultrasound, we went in and the ultrasound tech was quiet. I knew something wasn’t right. The doctor told us that there was potential issues with blood flow through the heart. Nothing too specific, but we were told to go see the high risk office where they would do another ultrasound of the baby’s heart. We had to wait another two weeks for that visit. At that visit, they told us something was wrong with the flow of the pulmonary artery, maybe pulmonary stenosis, but they couldn’t confirm and sent us to the University of Kentucky Congenital Heart Clinic for a fetal echocardiogram. At this point, we were quite anxious and felt like we were being bounced around from one doctor to the next with no clear answers, so the doctor made a call and got us in the their office in two days. So at this point, we knew something was wrong with our baby but couldn’t pinpoint exactly what. My husband tried to keep us together, but I just wasn’t okay. I didn’t know what this meant or how severe. All I knew was that my mom gut rarely failed me, and this was confirming my worst fears. The day we found out what was wrong, was my son’s first day of kindergarten and my daughter’s first day of second grade. Getting them ready that morning took a new toll on me as a mother. A seemingly wonderful first day for them was overshadowed by anxiety for us to find out what was wrong with our baby. After an hour long fetal echo, the doctor came in and that is the first time we heard the term Tetralogy of Fallot, a heart defect that actually consists of 4 separate defects. How could this be? Our other two babies were perfectly healthy. I did all the right things. It just didn’t seem right or real. But, we came to find out how common it really is and it’s nobody’s fault. It has been devastating to learn our little baby would have to face open heart surgery. There were so many unknowns and information we had yet to learn.

After this diagnosis, I was scheduled at UK in their high risk OB clinic. I went for NSTs (non stress test) twice a week so they could check baby’s heart rate and I also had more ultrasounds and echos scheduled. This pregnancy was overwhelming and all the appointments were just a prelude to his birth. The last echo we had before his birth confirmed he probably wouldn’t need surgery at birth, but we had to wait to meet him before they could completely say that with confidence.

The silver lining to this so far is that we live in Lexington, Ky and the UK Congenital Heart Clinic is one of the top in the nation. Every interaction we had with doctors was pleasant and reassuring. We have also had the opportunity to work closely with a social worker, which makes navigating all the ins and outs a little bit easier. The congenital heart defect club is not one anyone wants to be part of, but also we are so glad to have a community surrounding us. All of this just still didn’t seem real.

Somewhere around 38 weeks I began having contractions that I swore were labor but they would come and go. This went on for about a week and then at my next NST, Harry’s heart rate decelerated and my doctor recommended we go to triage for an induction. I have never had an induction and looking back, I wish I would have asked more questions. This wasn’t the ideal birth plan I had, but I trusted my doctors and knew they had his best interest in mind. Here we go, baby was coming!

March was going to be the month that we announced our baby due in the fall. The more and more I’ve thought about it, why do we only announce the good things? Things like, the cute baby announcements, the belly bumps and the gender reveal parties. We hide behind what society says should be kept private, but that is really only for the benefit of the reader, maybe they will feel uncomfortable. Bleeding and death aren’t exactly dinner table topics. As a mom of two healthy babies with no complications, I feel like we were almost naive to think nothing bad would happen. But for some reason, I couldn’t make any plans until I heard my baby’s heartbeat. I didn’t want to talk about minivans or baby names until I heard that heartbeat. Not sure what was different this time around. We went for the first ultrasound, with our biggest hopes and dreams for this baby. The tech didn’t say much, other than your baby is measuring a little smaller than the due date. Maybe I calculated wrong. But nope, I was spot on and knew when my last period was. My husband remembers seeing the low heartbeat but all I remember is hearing some heartbeat. It wasn’t until I met with the doctor after that when she said the word. I was alone because of Covid restrictions. This could be a miscarriage, she said. I lost it. Whatever she said after that I don’t remember. Fear set in. I met Dan at the car and told him as my tears rolled down. We were told to wait a week and come back for a followup ultrasound. Never did we imagine after the first ultrasound around 8 weeks the word, “miscarriage” would frame the following week. I would google the internet for any glimpse of hope, reading other similar stories. The baby was measuring a week or so small and the heartbeat was very low at 68 bpm. It would create anxiety, crushing any dreams we had of our little baby. We waited until the following week and that is when we found out the baby’s heart stopped.

I share my story not for sympathy. I share because 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. I didn’t think it could happen to us, especially in our case, when we had two healthy babies with no complications. But truth is, it is very common. But, that doesn’t make it any easier. It might make it worse because it gets brushed over. We have been told, it’s ok, you can try again.

As our friends and family have found out about our baby, they began sharing their stories with me. The nurses I have interacted with along the way tell me about their babies in heaven. By sharing my story, it has been healing to talk about and others find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING DETAILS ARE VERY GRAPHIC.

So after the diagnosis, I was given a couple choices by my OB. Let the baby pass naturally, take a medication that will induce cramping to expel the tissue, or have a D and C procedure to surgically remove the tissue. After giving it much thought, I decided to take the medication and attempt to do this in the comfort of my home. Letting things happen naturally would take a while and I wasn’t sure I could handle it emotionally to wait that long. Having a dead fetus inside your body is the opposite of any natural feeling a woman should have to go through. And wondering, just how long has your heart not been beating? Are you ok? Are you with angels in heaven? And the pregnancy hormones were still going strong. I had all the nasty pregnancy symptoms, but no baby.

The medication is called Misoprostol (generic for Cytotec) and it is inserted vaginally to ripen the cervix. My first dose of the medicine kick started the bleeding after about 6 hours. I immediately had chills after taking it. I laid in bed for the rest of the day. By the next morning, the bleeding had slowed down tremendously and after talking to the nurse and describing what had happened, she thought all the tissue had passed. I literally coughed in the shower and a huge clot came out. It didn’t resemble any sort of baby, but at that point you just don’t know what to think. I thought, this is it. I can heal emotionally and physically. I was wrong and this wouldn’t be the first time I thought it was over. I had to go to a lab the following week and have my HCG levels checked to make sure all the tissue had passed. My levels were still pretty high. Higher than they want to see after taking the medicine. I went back again after another week and my levels were checked and they had lowered some, but still not enough. I was given the same options, medicine again or the D and C procedure. I went ahead and did another dose of the medicine around 7am. This was about a week or two after the first dose. I wanted to again, feel some sort of control in all of this and stay in the comfort of my own home with my family by my side. This is the point it got scary even more as the day went on. This is also part of the reason I wanted to share my story. If I had read more stories like the one I am about to tell you, I would have heavily considered NOT taking the medicine. Disclaimer: You may have had a pleasant experience with the medicine, but I am sharing the details of my experience.

Around 9pm the same night, the cramping got really intense. More so than when I took the medicine the first time. The cramping and bleeding was starting to be so bad, I asked my husband to just stay with me. After several hours of gushing blood and clots, I called the after hours nurse line and she told me to get to the ER if it didn’t stop. Blood was easily going through layers of clothes and pads. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without feeling like my insides were coming out, quickly. Clots were falling on the floor because the amount was too much for any amount of clothes to handle. I vomited into the trash can and could barely walk without feeling light headed. My husband never left my side. He sat with me that night, suggested to call the nurse, he drove me to the ER, and stayed with me every step of the way. We both went through this together and I am so grateful for his support.

When we got to the ER, my husband had to wait in the car because of the pandemic restrictions until I got a room. I checked into triage where they took more blood to check my levels and vitals. I passed out. When I came to and got a room, my husband was able to join. One of the first things they did was take me back for a transvaginal ultrasound. In the last month, I had several of these with minimal pain to check on the baby. This was much different. I was in writhing pain. It seemed like thirty minutes of the tech digging around in my uterus taking pictures. I was clenching the edges of the table while blood was dripping down my legs and onto the floor, just wondering when this would be over. They wanted to find the source of the bleeding, even though I was pretty sure it was my baby and the tissue expelling, after the effects of the medicine. I left that room after changing into the thinnest pad that left me absolutely no protection against the amount of blood and tissue that was leaving my body. Nothing would ever prepare me for this. I got back to my room with cramping ten times worse after that ultrasound. The nurse gave me some pain medication which did take off the edge. That nurse was a tiny blessing that night, just offering me pain medication and helping me change pads.

Around 7am, they sent me up to the operating room to have the D and C done. At that point, the bleeding wasn’t slowing down. In hindsight, I wish I would have just gone that route from the beginning. But I don’t have any regrets because my choices were based on what I thought was the best decision at the time. The nurse did tell me that there was a chance that even after taking the medicine, I may still have to get the D and C done. Another reason I am writing this is that maybe someone will read my experience and have more information to make the best decision for their situation. My experience with the Misoprostol was so different the second dose than the first. I spoke with my nurse and she said that my uterus lining had possibly built up more after the first dose (my body thinking I had a period) and that is what was creating that much more tissue. I will never know for sure, but all I know is I will never willingly choose that medicine again. As i sit here writing this just several days out of the surgery, my entire body aches. I don’t want to be touched my muscles ache so bad. Maybe it was the tension my body went through, the cramping, the emotional toll. I feel like now that the tissue has been removed, I can begin to piece my life back together and focus again on what matters and really begin to heal both emotionally and physically.

The last few weeks have been hard to say the least. But the part I will remember most is the love and support of the people closest to us. Even things as simple as a phone call or text asking how we are feeling. I know our baby in heaven has so many angels watching over her or him. But I still feel like it is always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Baby #3 will always be a part of our hearts. Someday we will meet again.

Thanks for reading my story and I hope if you are going through anything similar, this story gave you a little bit of clarity and compassion in that you are not alone. We just need to do a better job of making women aware of what our bodies really go through. Not just the beautiful baby pictures, but all of it. Motherhood is truly a beautiful mess in every sense of the word. It is amazing what our bodies can do, and it is amazing how much love we have for our babies both on earth and in heaven. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions or discussion. You are not alone.

Wow, we are now in September and this summer has been a whirlwind of kitchen making decisions. It all started when we were shopping for new kitchen cabinet knobs. Then said, well why don’t we get a quote for new cabinets. (before we spent the $50 on hardware) 😂

We decided to get a brand new kitchen, except for the appliances. And we kept everything in the same place. So saved some money there. (See we saved money, right husband??) I wanted white shaker cabinets and white or light colored granite countertops. Little did I know that white granite doesn’t exist (with the marbled look I wanted). Granite is a natural stone but has more of a speckled look to it. To get the marbled look, you have several options.

The first option is to buy marble. Marble is in the same price range as granite and we were seeing that it was cheaper. You will also hear marble called quartzite. I even was sold on some so called ‘quartzite’ until I took the sample home and poured wine on it and took a knife to it. You can see in the picture below, although that sample wasn’t sealed. But true quartzite is a harder material than marble. As much as I love the look of marble and the fact that it’s a natural stone, it stains, chips easily, and with two kids it would stress us out. I also know that there are going to be days where I can’t get to the mess right away and don’t want staining from food sitting there overnight.

Quartzite is a natural stone that is harder than granite, but true quartzite is so expensive. Not even worth discussing in this blog, haha! I searched high and low for a natural stone that is stain resistant, affordable, and beautiful.

And then there is quartz. The name just sounds expensive, but once we did the research, it sounded like the best option for us. Quartz is 93% natural quartz stone and 7% manmade resin and other materials. It comes in a variety of colors, durable and achieves the marbled look we wanted.

Once deciding on the material we wanted, we started shopping around for the best price and quality. We shopped several local shops and decided on Prestige Granite in Nicholasville, Kentucky. We learned that Hanstone Quartz was on the less expensive end of quartz countertops and everything I was reading and seeing was positive about Hanstone Quartz. They have a new boutique collection and we took several samples home. We went with Montauk from Hanstone Quartz and couldn’t be happier with our countertops. Montauk was even featured on some of the HGTV shows (so it must be good right?)

I know way too much about countertops but so happy we spent the time researching what we wanted. And this decision was made after signing our contract for the cabinets so that gave us about six weeks to decide. This has been such a learning process. I thought we were going to settle on granite at the first shop we went to. But with making such a big decision and spending so much money, it is worth the patience finding what fits your style and budget.

It has been about two months now with our countertops and having white really brightens up the room and makes it so easy to see the mess and clean it up. We use Mrs. Meyers all purpose cleaner to wipe them down. Coffee stains have sat on the counter several days (yikes!), with no problem cleaning them and same with other acidic foods that would typically stain other materials.

Stay tuned and I can give you a full review of our quartz countertops after more time passes. But for now, we are still doing a bunch of last minute kitchen touchups. And believe it or not, our cabinets are still not complete. More on that later! I can’t wait to show you how our entire kitchen remodel turned out. I even managed to get some herringbone marble in there for our backsplash! Need a kitchen remodel, just ask your husband for new cabinet knobs. At least that is how I remember it! 🤣🤣🤣

Thanks for stopping by,
Kim

A night away is just what we needed after the last year with two kids. Not that the time is not wonderful with them, but we all need a little breathing room and relaxation.

Grandma came to stay so we could get away and we were so glad to finally get to the Beaumont Inn. We tried to go last year but didn’t plan far enough ahead (because who does with kids) and it was booked for Keeneland season.

We arrived for a 3pm check-in and then headed over to our couples massage in their little cottage on the property. This made it so easy to get there and not have to rush to another location.

We headed back to the room and freshened up for dinner at their tavern on site, The Owl’s Nest Pub. It was a cozy little atmosphere with lots of bourbon selections. And GOOD southern food.

The weather was perfect so we walked back to our room and ended the night. 🙂 We woke up to breakfast with a cold bar and a wide selection of hot foods. The fresh cornmeal pancakes with syrup were just what my southern mama heart needed.

We walked around the property taking in all the history of the Inn and taking pictures. It felt peaceful and serene, just like our stay. Oh and if you have the option for the rainfall shower, DO IT! Three shower heads beating down on you. HAHA I got to shower in peace.

We felt welcomed and at home at the Inn. And I’m the mom weirdo who missed her kids and felt just a tad homesick. Why is motherhood so strange? You can’t wait to get a break and then you suddenly have nothing to do other than miss your kids? Or talk about them? (I’m kidding about the nothing to do :))

We are so thankful to have an amazing community of friends and family who made this little getaway possible. You are more than we could ever ask for! This was my birthday gift by the way, so does that mean I get the entire month of April?? (For those that don’t know, my birthday is in December but we planned this for when I would be done breastfeeding)

If you get the chance to check out the Beaumont Inn you definitely should! It’s a little hidden gem in the heart of Kentucky. (Harrodsburg, Kentucky)

My favorite part was just being able to connect with Dan. It was nice to not have all the daily distractions and responsibilities. He is my number one, and will still be long after the kids are gone. (But let’s not talk about that, haha) And we wont talk about how our loved ones often get to see the worst side of us. SO crazy how that works!

Some fun facts about the Inn:

• It is about 30 miles from Keeneland race track (so plan a trip there)

• In this month’s Southern Living Magazine listed as one of the top Inns to stay in the south

• The Inn is an official stop on the Bourbon Trail

Let me know if I missed anything! We only stayed for one night so it was a quick, but relaxing trip. SO MUCH FUN! We have kind of made it our tradition between Dan and I to visit a bed & breakfast each year, beginning with of course, our prized trip to Savannah, Georgia, right across from Forsyth Park.

In case you were wondering, the kids had fun with grandma (of course!)

Thanks for reading,
Kim